Dear Mrs. Higgins,
You know how oversensitive my neighbors can be, so you won’t be surprised by this at all.
Halloween night, and I’ve just got back from my own trick or treating. Kind of a disappointing year actually. Most people just slammed their doors and called 911. (probably thought I actually WAS Spiderman and needed to connect to the proper authorities. Sometimes my costumes are just TOO good)
Anyway, a little tyke, dressed as a leprechaun, shows up at the door. The little guy is adorable in green and all, and in keeping with tradition, I give him a pint of Guiness.
Suddenly his mom appears out of nowhere (I think she was hiding behind a tree) and makes this huge scene. Like really, do you think this 7 year old wanted a Snicker?
I think its about time parents do a little homework, and be a bit more open minded. Its Halloween after all.
So the night moves on, and since traffic is a bit slim, I’m kinda sampling the wares - getting ready for the next onslaught of neighborhood “ghouls and goblins“.
Getting toward the end of the trick or treat time and here comes a Princess. I’m thinking: she must be an Irish princess, so I offer up another pint.
Now this mom, also super overprotective, jumps in and has a “problem”. I know what you’re thinking Mrs. H: “hey, lets get in the spirit of the holiday!”
Shortly after, a kid comes up as R2D2, you know, the robot from Star Wars.
And I’m thinking robot: yes, Irish robot: hell yes! But the Guiness supply is dwindling, probably from all the Leprechauns earlier, but not really sure, so I offer up a piece of corned beef.
Wow.
All I can say is kids aren’t nearly as grateful as they were in my time. Probably too many video games.
Last trick or treaters of the night are a Harry Potter and a hobo. Great costumes. And, as we all know, totally Irish. But the Guiness and corned beef are gone, so all I can pony up is a little piece of cabbage.
(I’m holding back the Jameson in case I develop a cough later tonight - could happen)
Surprisingly, that didn’t go well either. Kids are clearly eating so much McDonalds that they don’t appreciate good quality food.
Anyway, Mrs. H, how was your Halloween? I know your townhouse is a little harder to get to, but I’m sure the kids in your neighborhood are tracking you down.
And more importantly, what’s wrong with the children of America?
Mike
Dear Mike,
Number one problem: you’re 51 and you still are one.
Number two: you may want to put your house on the market.
Sleep it off, and we’ll talk again. Hope your cough gets better.
Mrs H.
Friday, October 31, 2008
A lesson from Joe Dog
Dear Mrs. Higgins,
I love the little guy.
Actually, I delight in him. He really doesn’t have much practical use, but there you go. He has been described as being so ugly he’s cute, and I’m comfy with that. I’ve trained him to go to the bathroom where he is supposed to, but that is about as far as his education has gone.
Most of the time he doesn’t listen much to me. He may look at me, but pretty much has his own agenda. Even when he is doing something stupid and against his own best interests, he will, most of the time, ignore my commands.
He does love me though, in his own way. He'll get all excited and give me all kinds of attention, then gradually move away to do his own thing.
I love to watch him run. We’ll go out for a walk and I’ll let him off the leash, and he just takes off. Strange how I get joy just watching him run free. He’ll go quite a ways, but always checks in with where I am, and how far away he is.
The other night, it was storming. He always wigs out when there is a storm out there, so he’s following every step I take. He insists that I pick him up and hold him. Kind of whiney and persistent, he needs tons of attention. I hold him, and his teeth stick out, and his breath stinks (probably from the goose poop that he loves), and he’s totally demanding.
Finally the thunder quits, and he settles down.
Shortly, he’s back doing his own agenda - totally ignoring me.
I think Joe's teaching me about God and me.
I totally love the little guy. Actually, I delight in him.
Mike
Dear Mike,
I have a hard time telling you and Joe apart, white beards and all, but you may be onto something.
Keep going to the bathroom where you are supposed to and consider upping your education.
If we all would realize how much He delights in us, I think we'd live a lot better and have a lot more peace.
Think about crawling on His lap even when the thunder isn't booming.
Mrs. H.
I love the little guy.
Actually, I delight in him. He really doesn’t have much practical use, but there you go. He has been described as being so ugly he’s cute, and I’m comfy with that. I’ve trained him to go to the bathroom where he is supposed to, but that is about as far as his education has gone.
Most of the time he doesn’t listen much to me. He may look at me, but pretty much has his own agenda. Even when he is doing something stupid and against his own best interests, he will, most of the time, ignore my commands.
He does love me though, in his own way. He'll get all excited and give me all kinds of attention, then gradually move away to do his own thing.
I love to watch him run. We’ll go out for a walk and I’ll let him off the leash, and he just takes off. Strange how I get joy just watching him run free. He’ll go quite a ways, but always checks in with where I am, and how far away he is.
The other night, it was storming. He always wigs out when there is a storm out there, so he’s following every step I take. He insists that I pick him up and hold him. Kind of whiney and persistent, he needs tons of attention. I hold him, and his teeth stick out, and his breath stinks (probably from the goose poop that he loves), and he’s totally demanding.
Finally the thunder quits, and he settles down.
Shortly, he’s back doing his own agenda - totally ignoring me.
I think Joe's teaching me about God and me.
I totally love the little guy. Actually, I delight in him.
Mike
Dear Mike,
I have a hard time telling you and Joe apart, white beards and all, but you may be onto something.
Keep going to the bathroom where you are supposed to and consider upping your education.
If we all would realize how much He delights in us, I think we'd live a lot better and have a lot more peace.
Think about crawling on His lap even when the thunder isn't booming.
Mrs. H.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Trouble in Paradise
Dear Mrs. Higgins,
Before you see this on COPS, I wanted to give you a heads up. I had a little problem at Walmart.
Here’s how it played out: I had selected a product slightly ahead of another customer. The other customer insisted that the product was his, but I stood my ground. Words were exchanged, and then I gave the other customer a little shove.
That’s when the trouble started.
The “little shove” caused the other customer to fall backwards (obviously clumsy, and probably drunk) and hit his head on the floor.
Now, and I’m not exaggerating, he starts crying and calls for (are you ready) his mom.
Next thing you know, Miss Overprotective Mom is in my face, and calling for security.
Then, other customers start looking at me like I just shot a bald eagle.
Perhaps, at this time, it would be useful to review some important facts:
Fact #1: There are many stores that have the Spiderman Halloween costume BESIDES this particular Walmart.
Fact#2: Last year I got shut out of the Spiderman “lottery” by waiting till the last minute.
Fact#3: I’m a little bigger, and a little stronger, and: I won!
Then, overreaction set in.
I mean, seriously, you’d think 3rd graders were an endangered species.
Oh sure, there is a little blood dripping down the back of his neck, and maybe a few stitches wouldn’t hurt, but come on, maybe its time to toughen up a little.
Anyway Mrs. H, it’s a little snug, but come Halloween: I’m all set.
(can’t go back to Walmart for awhile, though)
What do you think,
Mike
Dear Spidey,
Oh. My. God.
You pushed a 3rd grader down over a Halloween costume?
Maybe, just maybe, this particular 10 year old wasn’t clumsy or drunk. Maybe you just outweigh him by: oh, I don’t know, 150 lbs?
Here’s a thought: you might be just a little old to dress up for Halloween.
If that doesn’t ring true with you, call a couple of your 51 year old friends and ask them to go trick or treating with you.
Here’s another thought. Instead of trick or treating - which frightens, I think everyone, why don’t you go buy a stock of celery and bag of carrots and pretend you “scored big” in the neighborhood.
You ARE scary, boy,
Mrs H.
Before you see this on COPS, I wanted to give you a heads up. I had a little problem at Walmart.
Here’s how it played out: I had selected a product slightly ahead of another customer. The other customer insisted that the product was his, but I stood my ground. Words were exchanged, and then I gave the other customer a little shove.
That’s when the trouble started.
The “little shove” caused the other customer to fall backwards (obviously clumsy, and probably drunk) and hit his head on the floor.
Now, and I’m not exaggerating, he starts crying and calls for (are you ready) his mom.
Next thing you know, Miss Overprotective Mom is in my face, and calling for security.
Then, other customers start looking at me like I just shot a bald eagle.
Perhaps, at this time, it would be useful to review some important facts:
Fact #1: There are many stores that have the Spiderman Halloween costume BESIDES this particular Walmart.
Fact#2: Last year I got shut out of the Spiderman “lottery” by waiting till the last minute.
Fact#3: I’m a little bigger, and a little stronger, and: I won!
Then, overreaction set in.
I mean, seriously, you’d think 3rd graders were an endangered species.
Oh sure, there is a little blood dripping down the back of his neck, and maybe a few stitches wouldn’t hurt, but come on, maybe its time to toughen up a little.
Anyway Mrs. H, it’s a little snug, but come Halloween: I’m all set.
(can’t go back to Walmart for awhile, though)
What do you think,
Mike
Dear Spidey,
Oh. My. God.
You pushed a 3rd grader down over a Halloween costume?
Maybe, just maybe, this particular 10 year old wasn’t clumsy or drunk. Maybe you just outweigh him by: oh, I don’t know, 150 lbs?
Here’s a thought: you might be just a little old to dress up for Halloween.
If that doesn’t ring true with you, call a couple of your 51 year old friends and ask them to go trick or treating with you.
Here’s another thought. Instead of trick or treating - which frightens, I think everyone, why don’t you go buy a stock of celery and bag of carrots and pretend you “scored big” in the neighborhood.
You ARE scary, boy,
Mrs H.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Strange Urges
Dear Mrs. Higgins,
Made a roast last night for supper. Turned out pretty good. I even mashed a few potatoes and conjured up some gravy.
Took my feast into the living room to watch the debate, and almost lost my appetite. (key word here: almost)
I thought Obama carried himself pretty well but more than ever do I disagree with the man. McCain seemed a little too fiesty and defensive. I was waiting for him to leap to his feet, point at Obama, and yell “and did you notice he’s black!!”
Pretty cute how neither one of them answered the questions. It was sound bite city.
And I know I’m not the brightest star on the Christmas tree, but I absolutely couldn’t understand either one of their “plans” for health care. (note to self: stay healthy)
All I was able to discern was that: we have a record setting deficit for the year just ended, since then we’ve spend hundreds of billions bailing out every financial institution larger than a lemonade stand, we are going to add a whole bunch of new government programs to solve everyones problems, and everyone is going to pay less taxes.
Sweet math! That’s how I run my checkbook!
So anyway, this morning I had a little chunk of leftover beef and a couple hard boiled eggs for breakfast. Joe, of course, was begging the entire time. I have no idea how or why he learned to do that. Naturally, I left a couple scraps on the plate and let the little guy finish em off.
Several hours later (ok, maybe it was 2) I decide on lunch of tuna and salad. Only first, I had to walk past the fridge with the leftover beef, potatoes, and gravy.
I think I would have made it except for the gravy.
Justified by the undeniable fact that tuna will keep longer than leftover spuds, I loaded up a plate and had an awesome lunch.
As I was letting the K9 unit finish up the scraps (again), it dawned on me that that was the same plate I used for breakfast.
Yup, no dishwasher. Just Joe. I’d grabbed the plate off the counter that I (uh, I mean WE) used for breakfast.
Now Mrs. Higgins, I’m concerned: I really, really want to chase a tennis ball. I mean that’s all I can think about. The tennis ball. Its right there - and I get it - and I want it so much - and I throw it - and I get it again - and I bounce it, and I can’t seem to stop….
That’s not all. I keep trying to groom myself in a strange, and totally inappropriate way.
Can you help me, Mrs. H?
Mike
Dear Mike,
Not without a lobotomy.
If I lived closer I’d scratch behind your ear and swat you with a newspaper.
Try a clean dish next time.
Cannot believe you have lived this long.
Love,
Mrs H.
.
Made a roast last night for supper. Turned out pretty good. I even mashed a few potatoes and conjured up some gravy.
Took my feast into the living room to watch the debate, and almost lost my appetite. (key word here: almost)
I thought Obama carried himself pretty well but more than ever do I disagree with the man. McCain seemed a little too fiesty and defensive. I was waiting for him to leap to his feet, point at Obama, and yell “and did you notice he’s black!!”
Pretty cute how neither one of them answered the questions. It was sound bite city.
And I know I’m not the brightest star on the Christmas tree, but I absolutely couldn’t understand either one of their “plans” for health care. (note to self: stay healthy)
All I was able to discern was that: we have a record setting deficit for the year just ended, since then we’ve spend hundreds of billions bailing out every financial institution larger than a lemonade stand, we are going to add a whole bunch of new government programs to solve everyones problems, and everyone is going to pay less taxes.
Sweet math! That’s how I run my checkbook!
So anyway, this morning I had a little chunk of leftover beef and a couple hard boiled eggs for breakfast. Joe, of course, was begging the entire time. I have no idea how or why he learned to do that. Naturally, I left a couple scraps on the plate and let the little guy finish em off.
Several hours later (ok, maybe it was 2) I decide on lunch of tuna and salad. Only first, I had to walk past the fridge with the leftover beef, potatoes, and gravy.
I think I would have made it except for the gravy.
Justified by the undeniable fact that tuna will keep longer than leftover spuds, I loaded up a plate and had an awesome lunch.
As I was letting the K9 unit finish up the scraps (again), it dawned on me that that was the same plate I used for breakfast.
Yup, no dishwasher. Just Joe. I’d grabbed the plate off the counter that I (uh, I mean WE) used for breakfast.
Now Mrs. Higgins, I’m concerned: I really, really want to chase a tennis ball. I mean that’s all I can think about. The tennis ball. Its right there - and I get it - and I want it so much - and I throw it - and I get it again - and I bounce it, and I can’t seem to stop….
That’s not all. I keep trying to groom myself in a strange, and totally inappropriate way.
Can you help me, Mrs. H?
Mike
Dear Mike,
Not without a lobotomy.
If I lived closer I’d scratch behind your ear and swat you with a newspaper.
Try a clean dish next time.
Cannot believe you have lived this long.
Love,
Mrs H.
.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Dating and other natural disasters
Dear Mrs. Higgins,
So, I get home the other day to see a call on my ID from a girl I’ve dated a couple times - nothing serious, and nothing lately.
No message, but I call her back and she has a computer question.
Yup, a computer question.
I want ‘em to love me for my body, but they love me for my mind. (which is also a bit scary)
Anyway, I help her with the computer issue, and we do really have a nice chat.
Then, suddenly, she lowers her voice, pauses, and says
“I’d love to get you in a gym sometime”
Ok, what?
A trashy hotel? A beach? The cereal aisle at Walmart?
No!
A gym.
Not sure what to think about this, Mrs. H. What’s your take on it?
Mike
Dear Mike,
As you already know, that girl bowls on a different night than you do.
She’s way out of your league.
But, come to think of it, every woman I’ve ever seen you with bowls any night but yours.
Aren’t you a little past that chapter where appearance is the thing?
Its ok if girls like your mind. (God help them)
Just be you.
But maybe a couple pounds less of you (how about 30) wouldn’t be a bad plan.
Kiss that little bruised ego like the boo boo that it is and go for a walk.
For a couple days.
Love and kisses,
Mrs. H.
So, I get home the other day to see a call on my ID from a girl I’ve dated a couple times - nothing serious, and nothing lately.
No message, but I call her back and she has a computer question.
Yup, a computer question.
I want ‘em to love me for my body, but they love me for my mind. (which is also a bit scary)
Anyway, I help her with the computer issue, and we do really have a nice chat.
Then, suddenly, she lowers her voice, pauses, and says
“I’d love to get you in a gym sometime”
Ok, what?
A trashy hotel? A beach? The cereal aisle at Walmart?
No!
A gym.
Not sure what to think about this, Mrs. H. What’s your take on it?
Mike
Dear Mike,
As you already know, that girl bowls on a different night than you do.
She’s way out of your league.
But, come to think of it, every woman I’ve ever seen you with bowls any night but yours.
Aren’t you a little past that chapter where appearance is the thing?
Its ok if girls like your mind. (God help them)
Just be you.
But maybe a couple pounds less of you (how about 30) wouldn’t be a bad plan.
Kiss that little bruised ego like the boo boo that it is and go for a walk.
For a couple days.
Love and kisses,
Mrs. H.
Betrayed by Friends
Dear Mrs. Higgins,
A couple nights ago, and I’m out walking Joe Dog: aka “The Underbite of Fright” (ok, I’m just tryin to make him sound a little tougher for Halloween)
Anyway, it gets to be about 10 or so, and I’m thinking I’ll go in, flip on the tube, and catch up on Dave, or John Stewart, or maybe Colbert, but then I remember:
I can’t watch these guys anymore. Things have changed.
The shows have become a pulpit for political point. Funny will come, but it will always come at the expense of McCain, Palin, and always, always W. The only people less popular than our president are, uh, congress - but they are a target less easy and not of interest.
I love political humor. Tons of it is really funny. The SNL parodies have been great (and I don’t think anyone can accuse Saturday Night Live of being right wing)
But my pseudo "friends" are getting meaner now. And there’s no attempt to balance.
I wish it wasn’t so transparent. Its supposed to be entertainment, but all I see is agenda.
I just can’t sit through it. I'd rather watch the Knitting Channel - and not just for the babes.
(well ok, partly for the babes)
What do you think, Mrs. H?
Is there something wrong with me?
Love,
Mike
Dear Mike,
Yes. And then some.
But you’re right. Politics is leaking into TV like commercials have leaked into movies.
Maybe you should think about getting "friends" that aren't just on your TV.
Why don’t you shut the thing off, and read a book.
A little learnin wouldn’t hurt you a bit.
Love and kisses,
Mrs. H
A couple nights ago, and I’m out walking Joe Dog: aka “The Underbite of Fright” (ok, I’m just tryin to make him sound a little tougher for Halloween)
Anyway, it gets to be about 10 or so, and I’m thinking I’ll go in, flip on the tube, and catch up on Dave, or John Stewart, or maybe Colbert, but then I remember:
I can’t watch these guys anymore. Things have changed.
The shows have become a pulpit for political point. Funny will come, but it will always come at the expense of McCain, Palin, and always, always W. The only people less popular than our president are, uh, congress - but they are a target less easy and not of interest.
I love political humor. Tons of it is really funny. The SNL parodies have been great (and I don’t think anyone can accuse Saturday Night Live of being right wing)
But my pseudo "friends" are getting meaner now. And there’s no attempt to balance.
I wish it wasn’t so transparent. Its supposed to be entertainment, but all I see is agenda.
I just can’t sit through it. I'd rather watch the Knitting Channel - and not just for the babes.
(well ok, partly for the babes)
What do you think, Mrs. H?
Is there something wrong with me?
Love,
Mike
Dear Mike,
Yes. And then some.
But you’re right. Politics is leaking into TV like commercials have leaked into movies.
Maybe you should think about getting "friends" that aren't just on your TV.
Why don’t you shut the thing off, and read a book.
A little learnin wouldn’t hurt you a bit.
Love and kisses,
Mrs. H
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Bailout
Dear Mrs. Higgins,
I read today that someone farted at the New York Stock Exchange, and Henry Paulson promptly threw 10 billion dollars at him.
Where is all this coming from? Where is it going?
I want to get really worried about it, but I can’t understand it enough to start accurately stressing.
Do I need a bailout? Seems like a couple billion might be a good thing.
Mike
Dear Mike,
The only thing you need bailed out of is the prison of your own feeble mind.
I’m thinking maybe we’ve just had too much, bought on too much debt, for too long. House prices in California have been crazy for years - 1200 foot 2 bedroom for $750,000? No one thought it would end. California is getting a wake up call and the world is affected.
Now debt ain’t available. So we gotta throw all these billions to keep the debt rollin so all these financial institutions can keep building skyscrapers.
Maybe we don’t all need a $500,000 house or a $40,000 car - especially if we have to borrow to get it.
Maybe business expansion should come from yesterday’s profit, rather than debt - which is tomorrows profit.
Maybe we’re gonna get to simpler financial times.
But all these billions are goin to avoid the pain of that change.
You just keep workin boy.
Earnin is way better than borrowing or getting money from your Uncle Sam.
Love and kisses,
Mrs. H
I read today that someone farted at the New York Stock Exchange, and Henry Paulson promptly threw 10 billion dollars at him.
Where is all this coming from? Where is it going?
I want to get really worried about it, but I can’t understand it enough to start accurately stressing.
Do I need a bailout? Seems like a couple billion might be a good thing.
Mike
Dear Mike,
The only thing you need bailed out of is the prison of your own feeble mind.
I’m thinking maybe we’ve just had too much, bought on too much debt, for too long. House prices in California have been crazy for years - 1200 foot 2 bedroom for $750,000? No one thought it would end. California is getting a wake up call and the world is affected.
Now debt ain’t available. So we gotta throw all these billions to keep the debt rollin so all these financial institutions can keep building skyscrapers.
Maybe we don’t all need a $500,000 house or a $40,000 car - especially if we have to borrow to get it.
Maybe business expansion should come from yesterday’s profit, rather than debt - which is tomorrows profit.
Maybe we’re gonna get to simpler financial times.
But all these billions are goin to avoid the pain of that change.
You just keep workin boy.
Earnin is way better than borrowing or getting money from your Uncle Sam.
Love and kisses,
Mrs. H
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Unencumbered
Dear Mrs. Higgins,
Some folks are really hurting and upset over this end to Wall Street. I mean there are guys with bleeding ulcers watching their fortunes plummet.
And the government is stepping in, and stepping in big. You gotta wait 5 days to buy a handgun, but we can loan 88 billion to AIG faster than you can say Hank Paulson has a bad hair day.
And, of course, Nancy Pelosi, who can’t spell SEC, is showing her sweet self through all this. Her vitriol was so strong even some of her own party ran scared. (I think they were afraid she might bite them) If that girl could blame original sin on W. she would.
But here’s the thing: a lot of people aren’t bothered by the whole credit crisis.
They don’t care.
The whole thing is a long way away and has no relevance to their lives.
Sometimes less is more.
I think wealth is great for a lot of things, but I see it really pull people down. They don’t call em trappings for nothing.
Some guy is wringing his hands in anguish as his 2 million just went to 600k. Another guy is deciding on which pizza to order and wondering how many Old Styles are in the fridge.
What do you think, Mrs H?
Mike
Dear Mike,
I think you ought to think about ordering a salad and switchin to diet coke.
You’re right about things though. At any level the stuff we own, owns us right back.
Think about the time you spend mowing your big yard, vacuuming your nice pool, cleaning up your fancy house.
Your things take up a bunch of your time.
Maybe you need to simplify. Not your mind though, that’s simple enough.
Now you remember Joe Biden in your prayers tonight. You ain’t got no real enemies, so you have to make do.
Love you boy,
Mrs H
Some folks are really hurting and upset over this end to Wall Street. I mean there are guys with bleeding ulcers watching their fortunes plummet.
And the government is stepping in, and stepping in big. You gotta wait 5 days to buy a handgun, but we can loan 88 billion to AIG faster than you can say Hank Paulson has a bad hair day.
And, of course, Nancy Pelosi, who can’t spell SEC, is showing her sweet self through all this. Her vitriol was so strong even some of her own party ran scared. (I think they were afraid she might bite them) If that girl could blame original sin on W. she would.
But here’s the thing: a lot of people aren’t bothered by the whole credit crisis.
They don’t care.
The whole thing is a long way away and has no relevance to their lives.
Sometimes less is more.
I think wealth is great for a lot of things, but I see it really pull people down. They don’t call em trappings for nothing.
Some guy is wringing his hands in anguish as his 2 million just went to 600k. Another guy is deciding on which pizza to order and wondering how many Old Styles are in the fridge.
What do you think, Mrs H?
Mike
Dear Mike,
I think you ought to think about ordering a salad and switchin to diet coke.
You’re right about things though. At any level the stuff we own, owns us right back.
Think about the time you spend mowing your big yard, vacuuming your nice pool, cleaning up your fancy house.
Your things take up a bunch of your time.
Maybe you need to simplify. Not your mind though, that’s simple enough.
Now you remember Joe Biden in your prayers tonight. You ain’t got no real enemies, so you have to make do.
Love you boy,
Mrs H
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