Dear Mrs. Higgins,
Recently, I was golfing with a guy I work for at his country club. The day was perfect: not a cloud in the sky, light breeze, warm but not too hot. The course is one of those with mature trees, and beautiful settings on tees, greens, and all around.
Like a lot of country clubs the course was sparsely populated. Seemed like we had the whole course and day to ourselves.
We’d played about 6 holes and I cannot do anything wrong. I’m hitting fairways, landing on greens, making putts, just really relaxing, playing well, and having a great time.
In the middle of the 7th fairway a real pretty girl drives up in a golf cart. Sunlight is shining off her hair and smile as she stops and asks if we’d like something to drink. I pondered her question for the briefest of moments and responded that a beer might be nice.
She bounced gracefully out of the cart and pulled out an iced cold can of Heineken and asked if this would be ok. I pondered her new question for the duration it takes light to traverse the width of a dime, and said that it would be great.
Then, as I reached for my money clip, she stopped me, smiled sweetly and said “I really can’t take your money.”
That’s when I started looking at the sky. I expected the next moment to be drawn inexplicably toward a huge light - wonderful and warm and inviting . I also looked closely at her feet. Were they actually on the ground or was she floating.
It was only an instant, but so real.
Then: I came back. Just not my time, I guess.
Thought you’d want to know: I’m back.
Mike
Dear Mike,
Glad you got back: from Stupidville.
By the way, you owe your buddy about $6 for that Heiny from Heaven. Guests don’t pay for anything at a CC, but members do and then some.
Maybe you ought to keep your blue collar ass on the public course.
Sit up JUST a little straighter,
Mrs H
Monday, September 29, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
Out of the closet
Dear Mrs. Higgins,
I’m learning about music. This seems strange. I’ve been playing the guitar since I was about 14, and singing even longer. Also played a horn of some kind in band for 5 years or so, but now I’m learning about music, and I’m wanting to learn more.
Lots more.
Something about the bass, this new instrument (and new band) is inspiring me to want to become a real musician.
You know I’ve been a very lazy guitar player. I used to capo around any song that had a single hard chord. (still do sometimes if all the chords are tough)
I’m even a lazier songwriter. Having written maybe 30 or 40 songs, I treat them like unloved step children. Couldn’t tell you the words or chords to more than a few, or
even list the songs themselves. They were important at the time, way important.
Now I have to stop and think how they go.
But now I’m starting to memorize music. I want to know the components of the chords, all about triads, and 7ths and 9ths and all the theory and how the bass can set the table.
I’m thinking I’ve been a closet bass player for years.
Do you know if there is a “Bass Player Pride” parade anywhere nearby?
Fondly,
Mike
Dear Mike,
Oh yes, I remember your band days. Used to love watching you at about 95 pounds marching and carrying that tuba that weighed 40 - especially on a windy day.
Maybe you are just growing up. Taking a little more care of the talents God has given you.
Its good for you. You’ve been resting and coasting for a long time.
Also doesn’t hurt that you are the weak link of the chain. I’ve heard those boys play, and you got some catching up to do - which is also good for you and your oversized ego.
And especially don’t forget this is ministry. Learn the theory. Set the table for the voices and other guitars, but remember to worship first and foremost. This ain’t no bar band.
Now get practicing.
Love and kisses,
Mrs. H
I’m learning about music. This seems strange. I’ve been playing the guitar since I was about 14, and singing even longer. Also played a horn of some kind in band for 5 years or so, but now I’m learning about music, and I’m wanting to learn more.
Lots more.
Something about the bass, this new instrument (and new band) is inspiring me to want to become a real musician.
You know I’ve been a very lazy guitar player. I used to capo around any song that had a single hard chord. (still do sometimes if all the chords are tough)
I’m even a lazier songwriter. Having written maybe 30 or 40 songs, I treat them like unloved step children. Couldn’t tell you the words or chords to more than a few, or
even list the songs themselves. They were important at the time, way important.
Now I have to stop and think how they go.
But now I’m starting to memorize music. I want to know the components of the chords, all about triads, and 7ths and 9ths and all the theory and how the bass can set the table.
I’m thinking I’ve been a closet bass player for years.
Do you know if there is a “Bass Player Pride” parade anywhere nearby?
Fondly,
Mike
Dear Mike,
Oh yes, I remember your band days. Used to love watching you at about 95 pounds marching and carrying that tuba that weighed 40 - especially on a windy day.
Maybe you are just growing up. Taking a little more care of the talents God has given you.
Its good for you. You’ve been resting and coasting for a long time.
Also doesn’t hurt that you are the weak link of the chain. I’ve heard those boys play, and you got some catching up to do - which is also good for you and your oversized ego.
And especially don’t forget this is ministry. Learn the theory. Set the table for the voices and other guitars, but remember to worship first and foremost. This ain’t no bar band.
Now get practicing.
Love and kisses,
Mrs. H
Friday, September 19, 2008
September 20, 2008
Dear Mrs. Higgins,
I think there are still good guys and bad guys.
And, as uncommon as it might be to say it out loud, I think the USA is still the good guy.
I read about Russia’s invasion of Georgia and how the first thing they did was destroy important infrastructure - like bridges that allow commodities in and out. Stuff that will take millions of dollars and months to rebuild. Stuff that cripples.
The same day I’m reading about the US building infrastructure of many kinds in Iraq. (not to mention tons of foreign aid projects in other parts of the world)
The concrete business in Venezuela is flourishing. So the government led by Hugo Chavez takes it over. (this after oil and several other successful industries have had a similar fate) Russia has had so many businesses confiscated by the government that they are having trouble getting foreign investors. (duh!)
The US also nationalized a few businesses. But these were business that, for reasons I can’t quite get my little mind around, are going down the tubes. Our government is trying to prop up, and support, not confiscate. There's a difference.
So while we wring our hands and say how bad we are, and how much we deserve to be hated, and we shouldn’t intervene, and blah blah blah blah… I couldn’t help but notice these two striking contrasts, and in just the last few weeks.
What do you think, Mrs H?
Mike
Dear Mike,
I ain’t wringing my hands, boy. It stings a little, but I agree with you. Even when it turns out wrong, I think our country tries to do the right thing.
Surprised you didn’t mention the latest “success” figures from Iraq.
Someone, not a politician, even used the phrase “winning the war”.
Now that will get Mrs. Pelosi’s skivvies in a twist.
Also saw that the World Health Organization cut its estimated number of malaria cases in half. Wasn’t W. a big force in getting netting etc.. to folks that needed it?
(imagine: W. helping save lives of poor people - that’s another twist for Nancy)
Now go put up your flag.
Mrs. H
I think there are still good guys and bad guys.
And, as uncommon as it might be to say it out loud, I think the USA is still the good guy.
I read about Russia’s invasion of Georgia and how the first thing they did was destroy important infrastructure - like bridges that allow commodities in and out. Stuff that will take millions of dollars and months to rebuild. Stuff that cripples.
The same day I’m reading about the US building infrastructure of many kinds in Iraq. (not to mention tons of foreign aid projects in other parts of the world)
The concrete business in Venezuela is flourishing. So the government led by Hugo Chavez takes it over. (this after oil and several other successful industries have had a similar fate) Russia has had so many businesses confiscated by the government that they are having trouble getting foreign investors. (duh!)
The US also nationalized a few businesses. But these were business that, for reasons I can’t quite get my little mind around, are going down the tubes. Our government is trying to prop up, and support, not confiscate. There's a difference.
So while we wring our hands and say how bad we are, and how much we deserve to be hated, and we shouldn’t intervene, and blah blah blah blah… I couldn’t help but notice these two striking contrasts, and in just the last few weeks.
What do you think, Mrs H?
Mike
Dear Mike,
I ain’t wringing my hands, boy. It stings a little, but I agree with you. Even when it turns out wrong, I think our country tries to do the right thing.
Surprised you didn’t mention the latest “success” figures from Iraq.
Someone, not a politician, even used the phrase “winning the war”.
Now that will get Mrs. Pelosi’s skivvies in a twist.
Also saw that the World Health Organization cut its estimated number of malaria cases in half. Wasn’t W. a big force in getting netting etc.. to folks that needed it?
(imagine: W. helping save lives of poor people - that’s another twist for Nancy)
Now go put up your flag.
Mrs. H
Thursday, September 18, 2008
September 19, 2008
Dear Mrs. Higgins,
Watched that movie Rudy last night. Don’t know if you’ve seen it, but its supposed to be one of those “inspirational” movies. Basically, it’s the story of a guy who is obsessed with going to Notre Dame.
So he works until he’s 30 or so, then lands in a prep school for a few years yearning for a time when he can paint football helmets.
Finally, his dream comes true and he gets to be a tackling dummy for 4 years. The movie climaxes on the last play of his last year when he actually gets in a game that is pretty much already decided. Then the team carries him off the field.
Wow.
Growing up Methodist, this whole Notre Dame magic is kind of lost on me. All I knew about it was there was a hunchback who rang the bell - not exactly what conjured up dreams in my little protestant existence.
But here’ s the point I want to make. The guy was a hobbit.
And, the way he gazed lovingly at Frodo, I’m pretty sure he was gay.
Now I’m a live and let live kind of guy, but its difficult for me to get inspired by a queer hobbit playing division 1 football.
Oh, they gave him a different name, and made him look all blue collar working in a steel mill and drinking beer. What the movie didn’t show was that he actually was a flower arranger and preferred white Russians.
(what a politically correct world we live in)
Then, at the very end of the movie, they make this BFD about little Samwise/Rudy being the only player carried off the field in Notre Dame history.
No shit.
Maybe next year they’ll get an elf to go out for the team and they can carry that wee one around as well.
Well gotta run, Mrs. H,
Mike
Dear Mike,
Paint chips. Must have been paint chips. Lots of em, and all leaded.
Mrs. H.
Watched that movie Rudy last night. Don’t know if you’ve seen it, but its supposed to be one of those “inspirational” movies. Basically, it’s the story of a guy who is obsessed with going to Notre Dame.
So he works until he’s 30 or so, then lands in a prep school for a few years yearning for a time when he can paint football helmets.
Finally, his dream comes true and he gets to be a tackling dummy for 4 years. The movie climaxes on the last play of his last year when he actually gets in a game that is pretty much already decided. Then the team carries him off the field.
Wow.
Growing up Methodist, this whole Notre Dame magic is kind of lost on me. All I knew about it was there was a hunchback who rang the bell - not exactly what conjured up dreams in my little protestant existence.
But here’ s the point I want to make. The guy was a hobbit.
And, the way he gazed lovingly at Frodo, I’m pretty sure he was gay.
Now I’m a live and let live kind of guy, but its difficult for me to get inspired by a queer hobbit playing division 1 football.
Oh, they gave him a different name, and made him look all blue collar working in a steel mill and drinking beer. What the movie didn’t show was that he actually was a flower arranger and preferred white Russians.
(what a politically correct world we live in)
Then, at the very end of the movie, they make this BFD about little Samwise/Rudy being the only player carried off the field in Notre Dame history.
No shit.
Maybe next year they’ll get an elf to go out for the team and they can carry that wee one around as well.
Well gotta run, Mrs. H,
Mike
Dear Mike,
Paint chips. Must have been paint chips. Lots of em, and all leaded.
Mrs. H.
September 17, 2008
Dear Mrs. Higgins,
Sorry I haven’t been in touch lately. I’ve been busier than a feminist bashing Sarah Palin. (why did I think that a smart, articulate, family oriented woman would be kind of accepted)
Note to any woman running for office: if you want the support of feminist groups, you need to be front and center in favor of legalized abortion. (sorry, “choice” is for selecting ice cream)
Anyway, on a significantly more important note:
My front yard is mowed! Heck yeah!
As soon as I pulled that 8 year old 26 inch Walmart push mower (aka "PowerDeathBlade") into the front yard, the neighbors were up and cheering.
One kid even brought over a can of pop. (I’ll be really glad when he turns 21) Pretty soon the whole neighborhood was into it.
My home schooled neighbor kids put up a banner - “way to go Mike.” That was awesome! Hey, those people are just like us. They put on their plaid-bib-overall-shorts-school-uniforms one leg at a time - just like the rest of us.
So, I’m all about accomplishment Mrs H.
How have you been, Dearie?
Mike
Dear Mike,
Who the hell you callin “Dearie”?
Glad you got some work done. You may want to tackle the back yard now. You might find some tennis balls, maybe a racket, maybe even a court.
Pretty sure there is a couch out there somewhere too, Mr. White Trash.
And layoff those sweet children. I ain't exactly seen you on the cover of GQ lately.
Mrs H.
Sorry I haven’t been in touch lately. I’ve been busier than a feminist bashing Sarah Palin. (why did I think that a smart, articulate, family oriented woman would be kind of accepted)
Note to any woman running for office: if you want the support of feminist groups, you need to be front and center in favor of legalized abortion. (sorry, “choice” is for selecting ice cream)
Anyway, on a significantly more important note:
My front yard is mowed! Heck yeah!
As soon as I pulled that 8 year old 26 inch Walmart push mower (aka "PowerDeathBlade") into the front yard, the neighbors were up and cheering.
One kid even brought over a can of pop. (I’ll be really glad when he turns 21) Pretty soon the whole neighborhood was into it.
My home schooled neighbor kids put up a banner - “way to go Mike.” That was awesome! Hey, those people are just like us. They put on their plaid-bib-overall-shorts-school-uniforms one leg at a time - just like the rest of us.
So, I’m all about accomplishment Mrs H.
How have you been, Dearie?
Mike
Dear Mike,
Who the hell you callin “Dearie”?
Glad you got some work done. You may want to tackle the back yard now. You might find some tennis balls, maybe a racket, maybe even a court.
Pretty sure there is a couch out there somewhere too, Mr. White Trash.
And layoff those sweet children. I ain't exactly seen you on the cover of GQ lately.
Mrs H.
Monday, September 15, 2008
September 15, 2008
Dear Mrs. Higgins,
How was your weekend? Did you catch the Cubs game last night?
Me either. That’s because it wasn’t televised - at least not downstate.
I spent the entire afternoon reclaiming my kitchen and office. Some people clean, some organize, some reclaim - not unlike turning a landfill into a city park. Anyway I’m Suzie Homemaker for 7 or 8 hours and decide I’d like to do a little something more conducive to my gender.
The Cubs/Astros game got moved to Miller Park in Milwaukee on account of Ike kinda changing agendas in Houston, and WGN was queued up to broadcast starting at 7.
I sit down at 7:15, snap an Old Style, and get ready to watch….Bob Newhart. No kidding. Bob Newhart.
Zambrano is throwing the first no-hitter for the franchise in 36 years and I’m watching Bob Freakin Newhart. I should have stayed on that channel - maybe I could have caught a couple Mary Tyler Moore episodes as well.
Oh well, tomorrow night they play the Brewers. Maybe I’ll get to see a little of that one - or maybe the Partridge Family.
Stay in touch,
Mike
Dear Mike,
You’re incredible. Your Cubbies are 7 and a half up in mid September and you ain’t happy. You got a short memory, boy.
Glad to year you’re cleanin up the house a little. Doesn’t hurt you to do some real work for a change. You may want to do a little mowing sometime too - pretty sure the neighbors are getting a petition going - again.
Be glad for what you got,
Mrs H
How was your weekend? Did you catch the Cubs game last night?
Me either. That’s because it wasn’t televised - at least not downstate.
I spent the entire afternoon reclaiming my kitchen and office. Some people clean, some organize, some reclaim - not unlike turning a landfill into a city park. Anyway I’m Suzie Homemaker for 7 or 8 hours and decide I’d like to do a little something more conducive to my gender.
The Cubs/Astros game got moved to Miller Park in Milwaukee on account of Ike kinda changing agendas in Houston, and WGN was queued up to broadcast starting at 7.
I sit down at 7:15, snap an Old Style, and get ready to watch….Bob Newhart. No kidding. Bob Newhart.
Zambrano is throwing the first no-hitter for the franchise in 36 years and I’m watching Bob Freakin Newhart. I should have stayed on that channel - maybe I could have caught a couple Mary Tyler Moore episodes as well.
Oh well, tomorrow night they play the Brewers. Maybe I’ll get to see a little of that one - or maybe the Partridge Family.
Stay in touch,
Mike
Dear Mike,
You’re incredible. Your Cubbies are 7 and a half up in mid September and you ain’t happy. You got a short memory, boy.
Glad to year you’re cleanin up the house a little. Doesn’t hurt you to do some real work for a change. You may want to do a little mowing sometime too - pretty sure the neighbors are getting a petition going - again.
Be glad for what you got,
Mrs H
Thursday, September 11, 2008
September 11, 2008
Dear Mrs. Higgins,
And how are you today my post-menopausal friend? Find your teeth this morning to get through the oatmeal and prune juice?
Enough about you dear, I heard yesterday that Rush talked two hours about Obama’s “lipstick on a pig” comment.
Really.
Just when I thought there might be a place for some substance.
Any wonder liberals consider conservatives a bit dull?
And callers to Rush’s show fawn strikingly like Oprah’s fan base. …Dittos to you too, dude. (whatever the hell that means - I‘m sure there is a secret handshake involved)
Anyway, I would absolutely love it if McCain and Palin would really take the high road for the rest of the campaign. Not beat up on Obama’s experience, or harp on the fact that Biden belongs in an Oscar Meyer wrapper in the meat case - just point out how well more government works and how well it doesn’t. Maybe get out the crayons and spell out what free trade actually means.
(ok, I really do miss Ronnie)
Well, I’ll let you go. You probably need to get back to your “stories” (aka As the World Turns)
Love ya,
Mike
Dear Smart Ass,
And aren’t you just full of yourself today!
What happened, did you actually kiss a real girl instead of getting your lovin over a computer screen? (You know, you do remind me a lot of Kip, except I remember your high school hair, and that was all Napoleon)
And, as usual, you’re missing the point. Rush is an entertainer. He isn’t the great white carrier of the conservative banner - no matter what he or his fans think.
Neither is Fox. Both sell ads and need ratings. They’ll follow any story they think will attract attention. (think a half step above National Enquirer)
And don’t get too excited about teasing my breakfast. Your time will come to eat like this faster than you can say triple bypass.
And leave my stories alone, dammit. Boy, you are annoying.
Mrs H.
And how are you today my post-menopausal friend? Find your teeth this morning to get through the oatmeal and prune juice?
Enough about you dear, I heard yesterday that Rush talked two hours about Obama’s “lipstick on a pig” comment.
Really.
Just when I thought there might be a place for some substance.
Any wonder liberals consider conservatives a bit dull?
And callers to Rush’s show fawn strikingly like Oprah’s fan base. …Dittos to you too, dude. (whatever the hell that means - I‘m sure there is a secret handshake involved)
Anyway, I would absolutely love it if McCain and Palin would really take the high road for the rest of the campaign. Not beat up on Obama’s experience, or harp on the fact that Biden belongs in an Oscar Meyer wrapper in the meat case - just point out how well more government works and how well it doesn’t. Maybe get out the crayons and spell out what free trade actually means.
(ok, I really do miss Ronnie)
Well, I’ll let you go. You probably need to get back to your “stories” (aka As the World Turns)
Love ya,
Mike
Dear Smart Ass,
And aren’t you just full of yourself today!
What happened, did you actually kiss a real girl instead of getting your lovin over a computer screen? (You know, you do remind me a lot of Kip, except I remember your high school hair, and that was all Napoleon)
And, as usual, you’re missing the point. Rush is an entertainer. He isn’t the great white carrier of the conservative banner - no matter what he or his fans think.
Neither is Fox. Both sell ads and need ratings. They’ll follow any story they think will attract attention. (think a half step above National Enquirer)
And don’t get too excited about teasing my breakfast. Your time will come to eat like this faster than you can say triple bypass.
And leave my stories alone, dammit. Boy, you are annoying.
Mrs H.
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